3 Questions To Ask If You & Your Partner Fight Constantly (Makes Your Relationship Healthier)

in a Relationship

In this video I’m gonna talk about couples fighting and how to argue in a relationship, how to enter into a fight into a relationship; or resolve, really the alchemist to resolve a situation where there’s a conflict between you and your partner. Now a lot of conflicts escalate because when two people get into an argument, there is this silent question that’s being asked by one or both people. And its, “Am I respected?” “Does this person really want to be with me?” “Should I leave?” “Can I put up with this as a red flag in a relationship?” And so those are series of questions. What happens is that those questions are questioning the foundation of the relationship – meaning that they’re not coming from a place of seeing the relationship as this solid container that has the bandwidth to be able to hold the fire but it’s more like “Wow I’m wondering if I should leave.

If I don’t get my way and win this can I really be with this person?” And sometimes that question is articulated in the way of in a statement as an ultimatum “If this doesn’t change I’m out of here!” But what it does is that it actually blacks communication between two people because you’re no longer actually fighting for the relationship to fight for a place of understanding between the two of you but rather you’re fighting to try to find out whether or not you can get your own way. And you’re fighting for your own personal respect and you’re fighting for your own ability to win and maybe be heard in a relationship.https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/taylor-swifts-boyfriend-joe-alwyn-relationship And fighting from that place is almost always going to bring with it a sense of baggage, a sense of heaviness.

It’s going to stop the listening between two people. So what I got for you is three questions that you can ask yourself before entering into the fight or three questions you can ask even during this argument that you’re having with your partner that will help you get back on the same page and really move through the conflict. And to a place a resolution rather be stuck behind it and biting each other like dogs. “If I felt completely loved and I knew I was whole and complete, how would I enter into and handle the situation?” See when you ask from that place knowing that your loved and knowing that your whole and complete, it actually stops you from trying to get something from the other person because it may be that you’re trying to fight for some type of love through the argument; maybe you’re fighting for some sense of completeness of the person, you’re wanting that person to do something for you, to give you some sites sort of validation which is muddies the water in terms of the communication between the two of you during this time of conflict. So the question is, “If I was whole and complete and knew that I was loved how would I handle the situation?

How would I show up in the situation?” Think about that one and then move forward from there and act as if those things were true. The second question is, “What is the unexpressed need that my partner is asking for that they just may not know how to communicate?” So typically there is a feeling that your partner wants and you can even check on your side as well when you enter into a fight or an argument or something that you’re feeling. And a lot of times it can be very difficult to just out regularly express what it is that our heart wants to feel in that situation because we feel like we might lose some power with the other person. We feel like we’re gonna lose our positioning or ground but what it takes is a level of vulnerability to be able to open up and actually ask her what you need.

Now how that need is typically covered up with your partner is, or you for that matter, is an aggressive stance: it could be an attack, it could be a judgment, it could be you getting defensive, it could be them being defensive. And underneath that is a need or a feeling that they’re really wanting from you so when you can see past their words when you can see past the defense the attacks the judgment of criticism and into the piece of their heart that is really wanting something. And it’s typically either to feel loved by you, to feel desired by you, maybe it’s to feel reassured that you’re gonna be there for them, perhaps it’s that they want to feel respected, or that they want to feel that their emotions are valid regardless of whether they’re logical. These are all things that people want and they may not be able to articulate because they fear they may lose their position, or they may sound stupid, or could give up the power.

In this video I’m gonna talk about couples fighting and how to argue in a relationship, how to enter into a fight into a relationship; or resolve, really the alchemist to resolve a situation where there’s a conflict between you and your partner. Now a lot of conflicts escalate because when two people get into an argument, there is this silent question that’s being asked by one or both people. And its, “Am I respected?” “Does this person really want to be with me?” “Should I leave?” “Can I put up with this as a red flag in a relationship?” And so those are series of questions. What happens is that those questions are questioning the foundation of the relationship – meaning that they’re not coming from a place of seeing the relationship as this solid container that has the bandwidth to be able to hold the fire but it’s more like “Wow I’m wondering if I should leave.

Emotionally and Sexually

If I don’t get my way and win this can I really be with this person?” And sometimes that question is articulated in the way of in a statement as an ultimatum “If this doesn’t change I’m out of here!” But what it does is that it actually blacks communication between two people because you’re no longer actually fighting for the relationship to fight for a place of understanding between the two of you but rather you’re fighting to try to find out whether or not you can get your own way. And you’re fighting for your own personal respect and you’re fighting for your own ability to win and maybe be heard in a relationship. And fighting from that place is almost always going to bring with it a sense of baggage, a sense of heaviness.

It’s going to stop the listening between two people. So what I got for you is three questions that you can ask yourself before entering into the fight or three questions you can ask even during this argument that you’re having with your partner that will help you get back on the same page and really move through the conflict. And to a place a resolution rather be stuck behind it and biting each other like dogs. “If I felt completely loved and I knew I was whole and complete, how would I enter into and handle the situation?” See when you ask from that place knowing that your loved and knowing that your whole and complete, it actually stops you from trying to get something from the other person because it may be that you’re trying to fight for some type of love through the argument; maybe you’re fighting for some sense of completeness of the person, you’re wanting that person to do something for you, to give you some sites sort of validation which is muddies the water in terms of the communication between the two of you during this time of conflict. So the question is, “If I was whole and complete and knew that I was loved how would I handle the situation?

How would I show up in the situation?” Think about that one and then move forward from there and act as if those things were true. The second question is, “What is the unexpressed need that my partner is asking for that they just may not know how to communicate?” So typically there is a feeling that your partner wants and you can even check on your side as well when you enter into a fight or an argument or something that you’re feeling. And a lot of times it can be very difficult to just out regularly express what it is that our heart wants to feel in that situation because we feel like we might lose some power with the other person. We feel like we’re gonna lose our positioning or ground but what it takes is a level of vulnerability to be able to open up and actually ask her what you need.

Now how that need is typically covered up with your partner is, or you for that matter, is an aggressive stance: it could be an attack, it could be a judgment, it could be you getting defensive, it could be them being defensive. And underneath that is a need or a feeling that they’re really wanting from you so when you can see past their words when you can see past the defense the attacks the judgment of criticism and into the piece of their heart that is really wanting something. And it’s typically either to feel loved by you, to feel desired by you, maybe it’s to feel reassured that you’re gonna be there for them, perhaps it’s that they want to feel respected, or that they want to feel that their emotions are valid regardless of whether they’re logical. These are all things that people want and they may not be able to articulate because they fear they may lose their position, or they may sound stupid, or could give up the power.

So when you can see through these mechanisms that cover these needs up, then you can enter into the conversation with compassion. You can enter into a dialogue with a sense of curiosity of what it is that that person really needs. And rather than taking their attacks personally rather than taking their defense as something that you have to suddenly try to dismantle you can sidestep that to talk to the heart of the matter. And the last question to ask yourself during the fight before the fight is, “What can I take responsibility for?” Now that doesn’t mean, “What can I take blame for?” Or, “What can I blame myself for the situation?” But rather, “Where can I see myself at cause for the argument, for the fight in the situation where I can understand my contribution to this?” And so you’re taking the focus of blame off of them and responsibility off of them.

And you’re no longer looking for them to say something to fix it to apologize but rather you’re looking at yourself and say, “Okay. Being the creator of this dynamic with them being, one of the co-creators in this dynamic, where am I contributing to the dysfunction, to the disagreement and to the conflict that is currently happening between the two of us?” So by shifting that focus from them back onto you reclaim all of your power within the argument and within the fight and are able to affect, really the only thing that you actually have control over, which is yourself in the situation. And by you doing that, it may be an example for them to follow and do the exact same thing and take responsibility for their part if they feel that they are responsible.

Or at the very least allow the two of you to move past this blame game and pointing fingers at each other which just keeps the dynamic completely stuck and builds resentment over time. So those are three questions to enter into a fight with your partner or to ask during a fight with your partner: The first one being, “If I was whole and complete and knew that I was loved how I respond to the situation?” The second one being, “What is the unexpressed need that my partner is either unable to articulate or doesn’t know how?” And the third one is, “What can I take responsibility for this in this dynamic right now?” So try this on for size in your next argument or your next fight with your partner and let me know how it goes. Subscribe to the channel, leave a comment below with a question and talk to you soon.

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