Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you’re new to my channel, my name is Stephanie I am a life and relationship coach if you are new and haven’t already subscribed Don’t forget to hit the subscribe button and click on the notification bell that will inform you each time I do upload a new video if you are a subscriber, welcome back Thank you guys so much for all of your love and support. I appreciate it So let’s get right into this week’s topic this week. I want to dive into cognitive dissonance So cognitive dissonance what it means is you have two beliefs You have a belief about a person or a situation Based off of your past so based off of what has happened in the past You formed this view this opinion this belief about this person or the situation now what you’re seeing the reality of the situation the reality of this person is Conflicting that what you’re seeing now conflicts with what you have seen in the past.
And so you have cognitive dissonance. So you have this Disconnection between what is happening versus what was happening? So this is a psychological stress that happens in us This is real mental discomfort.
And this is when you google just the term and you read you know, what wikipedia says or whoever psychology today says Really? It’s that Psychological stress is that mental discomfort? And basically it’s because you have these two conflicting ideas of what’s actually happening And they don’t coincide and you’re struggling to believe what’s real is Reality real or is what I’ve seen in the past real when you have that kind of disconnection That’s what causes this now cognitive dissonance can happen in a lot of different Situations not just necessarily dealing with a narcissist, but for this video we’re going to cover cognitive dissonance in narcissistically abusive relationships and the reason why this is important is because when you’ve come out of this relationship When you’re trying to end this relationship a lot of people really struggle With accepting this person for who they actually are They struggle with it for a lot of reasons.http://echeporder.me/lesbian-dating-apps-for-free.php
It could be projection It could be you know them themselves coming from lack and having their own insecurities But the biggest thing is all of the abuse that you’ve endured during this relationship and that abuse formed this view that you have of this person and then when the reality of who this person Actually is when they start showing you who they really are Doesn’t match who they say they are or who they once were this Confusion and your mind starts to happen and to really understand this it allows you to it Will it helps you to understand the situation that you’re actually really in that’s why it’s so important to understand how abusive relationships work how that grooming honeymoon phase of a relationship works in that abusive cycle because that phase Really? grooms and really prepares you for the mental and emotional Abuse and psychological abuse that you’re gonna face in this relationship. So in the beginning stages of Unrated the in the beginning stages of our relationship with a narcissist They are grooming you they are studying you they know where your wounds are they know what the what are the things that this person is vulnerable to and they’re going to appear to be everything That you want they’re gonna put you on a pedestal They’re going to be a perfect You know specimen human being they’re gonna do all the right things. Say all the right things and the reason why they do this the reason why they portray this false character is basically so they can They can make it so that you will fall in love with them Make it so your walls will come down make it so you will trust them.
So then they can abuse you later on So aside from just grooming a victim. What is the other reason why a narcissist will do this They do it for a narcissistic supply. They do it for validation Admiration they do it for everyone thinking that there are may saying they do it So you’ll mirror back? What I want to see and I want you to show me and make me believe that I’m a great person I’m a great human being and I don’t want you to hold me accountable for anything I don’t want to take my part. My my own I don’t want to be responsible for my part in the relationship This isn’t two-way street.
It’s a one-way street and it’s my street. So by grooming you and By trying to get that narcissistic supply if they get it from you Amazing and if you’re an individual who I don’t want to say weak But if you haven’t learned how to love yourself if you haven’t learned how to have standards in Relationships if you haven’t learned that you’re worthy of a healthy partner and know what you want in a relationship And hold people accountable like hey, if you’re not it that’s totally fine There’s someone out there that is really right for me If you’re not a person that deals and sits and abuse Then you’re not going to be a good source of narcissistic supply For this person and the relationship won’t last very long. So If you are a good source of supply then all of the grooming all of the love Bombing that abusive cycle that we talk about all the time it will continue and continue Throughout the years of your relationship or a marriage with this person So how does cognitive dissidence apply to the grooming phase in a narcissistic are? narcissistically abusive relationship My tongue is just not doing this thing today but what how it applies is if you think about it if you’re being groomed, right and you are giving the nurses everything that they need then you’re great sources of supply and like I said, The cycle is gonna continue and continue. You’re never gonna set standards. You’re never gonna stand up for yourself You’re never gonna want more you’re never gonna want a deep connection with this person because you know that they’re not capable of it but if you’re not that person and in the grooming phase you fall in love or You trust this person And then all of a sudden the man starts to come off and you see that and you start going whoa Whoa, don’t get me wrong.
I love you, and I trust you, but something’s not right here You’re no longer being the person that you were in the beginning. This is the person that you portrayed to be This is the person that you told me you were and now your actions are no longer matching up with what’s happening right now And some people like I said the cognitive dissonance Is that struggle between what is real? What’s happening in reality? Is this person who they say they are are they?
Doing the behaviors that they once did am I in an abusive cycle? And it’s just going around and around. So if you’re experiencing that cognitive dissonance sometimes you can be stuck in that for a very very long time because that cycle of Honeymoon of abuse of love bombing of coming back and all of the stuff it goes around and around and you stay stuck on that hamster wheel but some people will experience cognitive dissonance and they’ll say and actually it’ll be the thing that kind of awakens them and says Wait a minute this doesn’t make sense at all who you are now being is nothing like who you once were and so that Disconnection actually allows them to become very very clear on who this person really is so unfortunately a lot of the times when Cognitive dissonance happens and a victim will kind of bring it to the abusers attention and they’ll say hey You know this isn’t right what’s going on right now like your behavior? You know I don’t like it or it’s not matching who used to be or I don’t know what’s going on with you right now and What will happen is the abuser will start to sense that you’re standing on your own two feet and that you’re starting to set standards just you’re starting to like have boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not and they’ll sense that and a lot 99.9 percent of the time either you’re gonna experience the physical abuse or something like that or you’re gonna experience the manipulation the Gaslighting, you know all those things Narcissists are extreme Manipulators so their goal is to make you out to be the problem because they’re not gonna acknowledge that they’re the problem They’re not gonna say yeah, you’re right. I’m a narcissist actually playing this abusive game with you right now.
That’s never gonna happen so in order for them to deflect the pain or the mirror that you’re putting in front of them that they don’t want to see they’re gonna make you out to be The victim or excuse me make you out to be the bad guy. So what’ll happen is for a victim who is Manipulated by this abuser. You’ll then justify the abusers actions or justify You know what they did what they said how they behaved you’ll make you’ll convince yourself that you know what I was overreacting Or I’m actually the problem or maybe I am too sensitive and you’ll start to have those kind of thoughts in your head Where this person has now been able to manipulate you to make you feel like the real problem is actually you it’s not them It’s you that your being to this or you have to high standards or you’re not being you know Accepting or you’re not being as compassionate as I need you to be when abuse is actually happening, so that’s how a victim can get really really stuck in these relationships is when they’re able to be manipulated to make Where the abuser is able to make you feel that what you’re innately feeling inside is wrong So how do we get unstuck from this disconnection that we have these two conflicting ideas or beliefs in our mind? The first thing is you absolutely cannot justify.
Someone’s behavior abuses abuse So if you feel like you’re being abused Chances are you’re being abused? I mean when I get messages from people that are saying, you know Is this abuse or am I just not accepting of the person you have to know? What are your standards?
You have to know what or what abuse looks like and that’s why I make these videos is to really educate you guys on What is emotional abuse because physical abuse sexual abuse, I mean those types of things are very black-and-white Emotional abuse is really gray and unless you really understand what this type of abuse is what it looks like in a Relationship a lot of us won’t know if we’re being abused and a lot of us if we’re coming from that Codependency that lack of self within ourselves we’re going to believe the manipulations We’re gonna allow want to Gaslight us. So do never justify Someone’s abuse or someone’s hurtful ways. The next thing is Actions speak louder than words and I can’t say that enough so someone can Pretend or say that they’re this person, but do their actions really line up with who they say they are a person can yes be someone one year be this amazing person and They can change even in relationships where maybe you felt like you had a healthy relationship for many many years people change people grow apart People have their own wounds people have you know midlife crisis? I mean these things do kind of happen and you have to accept someone for who they are in this moment not For who you want them to be and that’s my next point projecting who we want someone to be because we’re insecure or because we’re afraid to just be alone or Because we feel like we’re reaching a certain age and we need to hurry up and get married Or maybe we’ve been alone for a really long time that we accept behavior that otherwise we wouldn’t have tolerated You cannot project what you want on to someone someone needs to just apply for the job You know fill out the application You interview them and you find out is this person right for the job? So when you go to work every single day if you’ve ever hired anyone or even if you’ve been a manager or anything like that you’ll know if someone is right for the job based off of of course their application who they say that they are and After you know you hire someone you review that application.
Okay, you say you are this person. Okay, great Now you come into the job Sometimes you even have a trial period in a job where you have to prove yourself prove that you are who you say you are In this resume, and it’s the same thing in relationships and dating So and when someone shows you that they’re not or no longer who they once said that they were who they said they were Then it’s time to you know, fire them it’s tired It’s time for you to let that person go so you can actually get right employer the right person in your life the next thing is really practicing Responding versus reacting, you know, if you’re dealing with a narcissist chances are they’re extremely manipulative They’re very very witty and it can be overwhelming sometimes to have a conversation with this person And I know I 100% been there I was always the person that with a lot of people a lot of strong personality people, you know abusive people I would get very overwhelmed in conversations because I Wouldn’t know how to communicate Myself to other people was something that I struggled with for a very long time and it was because number one I wasn’t quite sure always what I was feeling or what I needed I didn’t have that kind of confidence in myself And then I just always was easily manipulated or I was you know that people pleaser So if someone said something I just I didn’t know how to stand up for myself all the time So one of the things that I’ve learned over the years is to practice talking about the things that I need You know knowing what I need is very easy, when sometimes I had a client actually yesterday and say, you know Sometimes I don’t even know what I want or what I need and you really do so if you ask yourself a question Something’s gonna come up if you feel like something is abusive And you ask yourself is that abusive that answer is gonna come up? So your intuition is always gonna be there But are you going to listen to it? Are you gonna focus on it? Um, and that’s something that again it’s a practice to do to really stay in touch with.
Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you’re new to my channel, my name is Stephanie I am a life and relationship coach if you are new and haven’t already subscribed Don’t forget to hit the subscribe button and click on the notification bell that will inform you each time I do upload a new video if you are a subscriber, welcome back Thank you guys so much for all of your love and support. I appreciate it So let’s get right into this week’s topic this week. I want to dive into cognitive dissonance So cognitive dissonance what it means is you have two beliefs You have a belief about a person or a situation Based off of your past so based off of what has happened in the past You formed this view this opinion this belief about this person or the situation now what you’re seeing the reality of the situation the reality of this person is Conflicting that what you’re seeing now conflicts with what you have seen in the past.
And so you have cognitive dissonance. So you have this Disconnection between what is happening versus what was happening? So this is a psychological stress that happens in us This is real mental discomfort.
And this is when you google just the term and you read you know, what wikipedia says or whoever psychology today says Really? It’s that Psychological stress is that mental discomfort? And basically it’s because you have these two conflicting ideas of what’s actually happening And they don’t coincide and you’re struggling to believe what’s real is Reality real or is what I’ve seen in the past real when you have that kind of disconnection That’s what causes this now cognitive dissonance can happen in a lot of different Situations not just necessarily dealing with a narcissist, but for this video we’re going to cover cognitive dissonance in narcissistically abusive relationships and the reason why this is important is because when you’ve come out of this relationship When you’re trying to end this relationship a lot of people really struggle With accepting this person for who they actually are They struggle with it for a lot of reasons.
It could be projection It could be you know them themselves coming from lack and having their own insecurities But the biggest thing is all of the abuse that you’ve endured during this relationship and that abuse formed this view that you have of this person and then when the reality of who this person Actually is when they start showing you who they really are Doesn’t match who they say they are or who they once were this Confusion and your mind starts to happen and to really understand this it allows you to it Will it helps you to understand the situation that you’re actually really in that’s why it’s so important to understand how abusive relationships work how that grooming honeymoon phase of a relationship works in that abusive cycle because that phase Really? grooms and really prepares you for the mental and emotional Abuse and psychological abuse that you’re gonna face in this relationship. So in the beginning stages of Unrated the in the beginning stages of our relationship with a narcissist They are grooming you they are studying you they know where your wounds are they know what the what are the things that this person is vulnerable to and they’re going to appear to be everything That you want they’re gonna put you on a pedestal They’re going to be a perfect You know specimen human being they’re gonna do all the right things. Say all the right things and the reason why they do this the reason why they portray this false character is basically so they can They can make it so that you will fall in love with them Make it so your walls will come down make it so you will trust them.
So then they can abuse you later on So aside from just grooming a victim. What is the other reason why a narcissist will do this They do it for a narcissistic supply. They do it for validation Admiration they do it for everyone thinking that there are may saying they do it So you’ll mirror back? What I want to see and I want you to show me and make me believe that I’m a great person I’m a great human being and I don’t want you to hold me accountable for anything I don’t want to take my part. My my own I don’t want to be responsible for my part in the relationship This isn’t two-way street.
It’s a one-way street and it’s my street. So by grooming you and By trying to get that narcissistic supply if they get it from you Amazing and if you’re an individual who I don’t want to say weak But if you haven’t learned how to love yourself if you haven’t learned how to have standards in Relationships if you haven’t learned that you’re worthy of a healthy partner and know what you want in a relationship And hold people accountable like hey, if you’re not it that’s totally fine There’s someone out there that is really right for me If you’re not a person that deals and sits and abuse Then you’re not going to be a good source of narcissistic supply For this person and the relationship won’t last very long. So If you are a good source of supply then all of the grooming all of the love Bombing that abusive cycle that we talk about all the time it will continue and continue Throughout the years of your relationship or a marriage with this person So how does cognitive dissidence apply to the grooming phase in a narcissistic are? narcissistically abusive relationship My tongue is just not doing this thing today but what how it applies is if you think about it if you’re being groomed, right and you are giving the nurses everything that they need then you’re great sources of supply and like I said, The cycle is gonna continue and continue. You’re never gonna set standards. You’re never gonna stand up for yourself You’re never gonna want more you’re never gonna want a deep connection with this person because you know that they’re not capable of it but if you’re not that person and in the grooming phase you fall in love or You trust this person And then all of a sudden the man starts to come off and you see that and you start going whoa Whoa, don’t get me wrong.
I love you, and I trust you, but something’s not right here You’re no longer being the person that you were in the beginning. This is the person that you portrayed to be This is the person that you told me you were and now your actions are no longer matching up with what’s happening right now And some people like I said the cognitive dissonance Is that struggle between what is real? What’s happening in reality? Is this person who they say they are are they?
Doing the behaviors that they once did am I in an abusive cycle? And it’s just going around and around. So if you’re experiencing that cognitive dissonance sometimes you can be stuck in that for a very very long time because that cycle of Honeymoon of abuse of love bombing of coming back and all of the stuff it goes around and around and you stay stuck on that hamster wheel but some people will experience cognitive dissonance and they’ll say and actually it’ll be the thing that kind of awakens them and says Wait a minute this doesn’t make sense at all who you are now being is nothing like who you once were and so that Disconnection actually allows them to become very very clear on who this person really is so unfortunately a lot of the times when Cognitive dissonance happens and a victim will kind of bring it to the abusers attention and they’ll say hey You know this isn’t right what’s going on right now like your behavior? You know I don’t like it or it’s not matching who used to be or I don’t know what’s going on with you right now and What will happen is the abuser will start to sense that you’re standing on your own two feet and that you’re starting to set standards just you’re starting to like have boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not and they’ll sense that and a lot 99.9 percent of the time either you’re gonna experience the physical abuse or something like that or you’re gonna experience the manipulation the Gaslighting, you know all those things Narcissists are extreme Manipulators so their goal is to make you out to be the problem because they’re not gonna acknowledge that they’re the problem They’re not gonna say yeah, you’re right. I’m a narcissist actually playing this abusive game with you right now.
That’s never gonna happen so in order for them to deflect the pain or the mirror that you’re putting in front of them that they don’t want to see they’re gonna make you out to be The victim or excuse me make you out to be the bad guy. So what’ll happen is for a victim who is Manipulated by this abuser. You’ll then justify the abusers actions or justify You know what they did what they said how they behaved you’ll make you’ll convince yourself that you know what I was overreacting Or I’m actually the problem or maybe I am too sensitive and you’ll start to have those kind of thoughts in your head Where this person has now been able to manipulate you to make you feel like the real problem is actually you it’s not them It’s you that your being to this or you have to high standards or you’re not being you know Accepting or you’re not being as compassionate as I need you to be when abuse is actually happening, so that’s how a victim can get really really stuck in these relationships is when they’re able to be manipulated to make Where the abuser is able to make you feel that what you’re innately feeling inside is wrong So how do we get unstuck from this disconnection that we have these two conflicting ideas or beliefs in our mind? The first thing is you absolutely cannot justify.
Someone’s behavior abuses abuse So if you feel like you’re being abused Chances are you’re being abused? I mean when I get messages from people that are saying, you know Is this abuse or am I just not accepting of the person you have to know? What are your standards?
You have to know what or what abuse looks like and that’s why I make these videos is to really educate you guys on What is emotional abuse because physical abuse sexual abuse, I mean those types of things are very black-and-white Emotional abuse is really gray and unless you really understand what this type of abuse is what it looks like in a Relationship a lot of us won’t know if we’re being abused and a lot of us if we’re coming from that Codependency that lack of self within ourselves we’re going to believe the manipulations We’re gonna allow want to Gaslight us. So do never justify Someone’s abuse or someone’s hurtful ways. The next thing is Actions speak louder than words and I can’t say that enough so someone can Pretend or say that they’re this person, but do their actions really line up with who they say they are a person can yes be someone one year be this amazing person and They can change even in relationships where maybe you felt like you had a healthy relationship for many many years people change people grow apart People have their own wounds people have you know midlife crisis? I mean these things do kind of happen and you have to accept someone for who they are in this moment not For who you want them to be and that’s my next point projecting who we want someone to be because we’re insecure or because we’re afraid to just be alone or Because we feel like we’re reaching a certain age and we need to hurry up and get married Or maybe we’ve been alone for a really long time that we accept behavior that otherwise we wouldn’t have tolerated You cannot project what you want on to someone someone needs to just apply for the job You know fill out the application You interview them and you find out is this person right for the job? So when you go to work every single day if you’ve ever hired anyone or even if you’ve been a manager or anything like that you’ll know if someone is right for the job based off of of course their application who they say that they are and After you know you hire someone you review that application.
Okay, you say you are this person. Okay, great Now you come into the job Sometimes you even have a trial period in a job where you have to prove yourself prove that you are who you say you are In this resume, and it’s the same thing in relationships and dating So and when someone shows you that they’re not or no longer who they once said that they were who they said they were Then it’s time to you know, fire them it’s tired It’s time for you to let that person go so you can actually get right employer the right person in your life the next thing is really practicing Responding versus reacting, you know, if you’re dealing with a narcissist chances are they’re extremely manipulative They’re very very witty and it can be overwhelming sometimes to have a conversation with this person And I know I 100% been there I was always the person that with a lot of people a lot of strong personality people, you know abusive people I would get very overwhelmed in conversations because I Wouldn’t know how to communicate Myself to other people was something that I struggled with for a very long time and it was because number one I wasn’t quite sure always what I was feeling or what I needed I didn’t have that kind of confidence in myself And then I just always was easily manipulated or I was you know that people pleaser So if someone said something I just I didn’t know how to stand up for myself all the time So one of the things that I’ve learned over the years is to practice talking about the things that I need You know knowing what I need is very easy, when sometimes I had a client actually yesterday and say, you know Sometimes I don’t even know what I want or what I need and you really do so if you ask yourself a question Something’s gonna come up if you feel like something is abusive And you ask yourself is that abusive that answer is gonna come up? So your intuition is always gonna be there But are you going to listen to it? Are you gonna focus on it? Um, and that’s something that again it’s a practice to do to really stay in touch with.
Okay. What do I need? What do I think what do I feel and really getting to know yourself like that? That’s that’s Self-love that’s practicing self-love.
So listening to your intuition on whether or not someone’s behavior is abusive unacceptable and Expressing that in a common healthy way not reacting and getting emotionally tangled in this abusive person’s you know energy and the last thing, you know, if you’ve done all of this and You get to a place where you say? I just I know inside that this person is not right for me. I know this person Hey, even, if they once were a great person or even if they were Able to put on this character and play this role for a very very long time Either their mask has slipped and I’m seeing things that I don’t like or maybe I’ve changed And maybe my standards are a lot higher than it once was and now you know I feel like this relationship just isn’t working for me any longer.
It’s not serving my higher good I don’t feel good when I’m around this person And if you’re really really honest with yourself Then maybe this relationship is not one that you need in your life and believe me Letting go of any relationship is difficult to do But it’s like I always say you’re either going to push through whatever fear is in your way That’s allowing you to not leave this relationship to not let it go You’re either going to push through that because what you want is to have a great relationship a healthy relationship a relationship of mutual Respect and understanding and easy communication right with someone Rather than keeping people in your life that aren’t serving you that it’s really difficult to just have a mutual understanding A mutual respect a give a healthy give and take we all struggle. Sometimes you’re just letting relationships go with just saying hey look you were in my life for a lot a lot of years and Maybe those years were great. Maybe those years weren’t that great, but right now things are just changed. I’m not the same person maybe you’re not the same person and letting relationships go we feel sometimes that relationships need to be in our life for our entire life when sometimes people actually not sometimes all the time people come in and out of your life for different reasons at different times and Sometimes a relationship has served its purpose, right?
It’s done what it needed to do and it’s still and you’re still allowing it to linger around and it’s no longer serving you So is it easy to do no, but what do you want? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to meet a great partner?
So if you do you’re keeping this relationship in your life and it’s blocking The good that could be coming into your life right now. So I hope that this has helped you guys understand Cognitive dissidence a little bit better I hope that it has helped you to get some tips on how to kind of get unstuck from this and Just be aware of whether or not it’s happening. So if you guys have any questions, please leave them down below Don’t forget to give this video a thumbs up and don’t forget to hit subscribe and the notification bell So I will see you in my next video